It’s time to move on from derby names « 30 Point Jam

i’ve been putting off this post for a while. not because it’s controversial, but because admitting my reasoning makes me seem a little… i dunno… crazy?

i couldn’t have ever gone out for derby, without the opportunity to reinvent myself. i really needed to not be Amanda anymore.

i think, for a lot of skaters, the derby personas enforce or augment their selves, but Cruel Whip didn’t make Amanda stronger. Cruel Whip became all the things Amanda felt like she couldn’t be.

even now, two years later, while some of my derby strengths have carried over into my personal life, i have no desire for the two to be the same. i need there to be a place where i can be whatever me i feel like being, where i can try on new hats, where it’s ok to fail sometimes.

what it all boils down to, for me, is that i’m still at a place in my life where i can’t imagine anyone cheering for Amanda. i wouldn’t cheer for Amanda. i don’t want people to cheer for Amanda.

i know it doesn’t make any sense to think that there’s a difference, but i’m still coming to terms with being comfortable in my own skin. and, if i didn’t have Cruel Whip, i don’t know that i’d ever have the confidence to bring Amanda around.

(via chaseyd-deactivated20120108)